this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just pee around me
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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