cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i dont even know how to be here
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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