The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
