Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
