Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
