My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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