hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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