id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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