My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
