That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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