I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
