i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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