My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize