FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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