Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
