She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
