I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Someone signed my nipple.
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