why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
