The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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