I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize