My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
