I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
