you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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