I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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