I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Shame - the story of my life.
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