Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
