OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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