I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
A bitchslap is in order.
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