Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
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