at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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