i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
How does one acquire holy water?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
