you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
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