You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
