I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
