My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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