I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
