dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
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You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
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Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument