You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
