she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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