You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
