chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
