I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
