I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
