umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
