Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
