Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
