I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
