That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
