sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
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He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
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My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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