Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
