Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
i think my cat just said my name.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
