FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I didn't notice because vodka
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
