Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
