apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
