I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
