Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
