How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
