I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.