somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
