I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.