You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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