I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
