never play flip cup with pint glasses
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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