My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
