I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
did i walk over a car last night?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
